Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
