Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
