Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
