My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
