guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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