Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
