I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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