How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
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