so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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