gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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