two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
