Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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