it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
