Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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