I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
