remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Randomize
