Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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