is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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