just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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