And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
