In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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