Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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