I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home