Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Randomize
