I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
