My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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