So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize
