omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
