My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
