I can't breathe out the right side of my face
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
