Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
