he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
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They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
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Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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