So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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