Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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