I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
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You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
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I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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