Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
