Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
