if i can run in heels then i can drive
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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