3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
