You just made me feel so damn special
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
