She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
