New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
