he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
