There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
one two three fourrrrnication!
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
