a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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