and you said cock pushups were impossible
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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