I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
There's always time for handjobs
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
