im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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