So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
