Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
