FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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