The maid of honor just puked.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
