: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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