Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
