I could make wine with my vomit
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
