Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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