i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
