Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
