and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
